Discovering me

Who expects?
I?
Them?
Him, her, they, it?
System, culture, religion?
Anonymous?
Whatever, whoever, it infiltrated me.

We became one, I thought me was it, I thought it was me,
homogenisation, and,
if depression, anxiety, or argghhh, joined in,
that was I, still learning about me, so keep going,
Acquiescence will create evolution,
indivisibility, it and me.

I learnt oneness means disappearing, either it or me,
No room for both, a tight misfit,
too many contradictions, dissonance and confusion.
Me left, quietly.
I didn’t know me had gone, till it took charge,
went with it, seemed right, knows best.

Then came a day, unexpected, it collapsed, left, no apology, no “oops got that wrong”,
no acknowledgement, just gone.

Chilling darkness.
Confronting dilemma,
Implode, lie down, all over?
consider, reflect, step out,
is it the only paradigm?

Rummaging in the attic, successful repression, long forgotten spaces,
locked in by ancient beams, underneath blankets, cobwebs,
and stuff and stuff and stuff,
I stumbled upon,
Me!

I invited me back,
me cautiously moved, hesitantly, seeing light, recoiling
but
kept coming again, forwards, slowly, vigilantly checking for it.
Me saw it, or maybe a hint of it
Compliance the first inclination,
recalling the bending, twisting, contortions of history,
sobering, shocking.
Stop shouted me, surprising I.
And from somewhere a surge of courage,
and chased it off.

Now scary, risky, no route to follow,
but me, what should that look like?
Should, expect, have to, but surely you must?
All ditched in favour of me,
I chose me!

I found out, being me was okay, no plan, no goals, no agenda,
except, letting me be,
so I did,
me and I united, embraced.
Explored and celebrated, adventurous synchronicity.
permission for mistakes, acceptance outstrips judgement.
Comparison denied credence,
truly welcoming, peculiar authenticity ascends,
as roamings begin.

© Andrew Tomlinson